


Suffocated

by seolle



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Baekhyun-centric, Drabble, Light Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-17 15:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5875438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seolle/pseuds/seolle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Baekhyun just feels suffocated sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffocated

_Inhale, exhale._

 

Baekhyun feels it again. That feeling of sudden fear, that feeling of just wanting to curl up in a ball and pray to God that it will all be over soon. He might look happy with the cheerful smiles he always shows in front of his fans but behind that smile is a gazillion amount of hidden sadness, pain, and anxiety, succumbed by doses of drugs that the psychiatrist says will make him feel better  but he doesn't feel better and nothing seems to make him better; back to the old him.

He calms himself down by counting from one to ten, inhaling and exhaling. When he feels that he has calmed down enough, he goes out of the broadcasting station's bathroom and puts his mask of the Byun Baekhyun his fans thought they know but they never really know.

 

Baekhyun started having anxiety attacks during their Wolf promotions because of numerous experiences of getting stalked even in public bathrooms, being physically harassed, the busy schedule that leaves them with sleeplessness and fatigue and add in the burden of being criticized and under the public's eye all the time. His stress and anxiety had worsened when three of his bandmates left.

 

They were more pressured to push past their limits; to fill in the gaps the three members left. But the thing is, they had already pushed past their limits by a thousand miles and yet they still don't care enough about themselves but care enough of proving themselves worthy of the public's respect. Being a celebrity might be the dream of many (because who doesn't want fame and money at the same time?) but for Baekhyun, the glamorous dream of being under the spotlight might not be the dream he wanted before if he had known better. He was just a kid who dreamed of singing but he never knew that the way to reach that dream would become this hard.

 

The celebrity life is overall suffocating and he wishes that even for just one time, he would have freedom again; the freedom he has before entering this kind of life. The freedom of doing whatever you want and not knowing you have the ability to do so. To feel free of pressure and to not feel that everyone has a knife aimed at your back at every little single thing you do. To enjoy youth. To enjoy life. To be the real Byun Baekhyun who is actually happy.

 

But Baekhyun knows all of that is too good to be true so that's he why he puts his mask on and goes on stage with a fake smile on his face.

 

Let the show begin.

**Author's Note:**

> I started having anxiety attacks since mid-september 2015 due to excessive stress. It stopped after I went to a retreat but I still have anxiety attacks from time to time and I still overthink and worry too much so my anxiety isn't completely away yet, just the attacks. But anyway I wrote this to release all of what I felt when I started having anxiety and to make those who also have anxiety not feel lonely because it's not just you suffering from it. Oh, and it's also been exactly a month since I saw exo (THEY ALL HANDSOME AF I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE REAL HUMAN BEINGS). I also dedicate this to Baekhyun and what he must've felt about idol life so. Kbye.


End file.
